“I’m just a little fish swimming in a big fish bowl”
This is a photo of me, about 4 years ago while I was on a business trip. I used to be the type who would shelter themselves from getting hurt no matter the cost. I was really good at telling myself to stop opening up any further to someone, because I knew that if I sheltered my heart, then it wouldn’t get broken.
I think that’s one of my biggest fears in life….getting my heart broken into a million pieces and not being able to really mend it because, once it’s broken..you can put it back together but it’ll never be fully whole again…and then having to constantly think about that person even when you don’t want to. It sucks.
So, I was good at telling myself when to stop. What I didn’t realize is that the other person always had stronger feelings for me. My friends eventually gave me the nick name of “man-eater” which I didn’t and still do not think is an appealing name. I asked them what that meant and they explained it perfectly:
“Men admire you, you’re like a siren, they are attracted to you, your looks, personality, and fall for you, and you break their hearts each time without realizing it…without any emotion to it whatsoever, you chew them up, and then spit them back out”.
I thought about this quite a bit. I kept thinking, it’s not my fault for the way they feel. How am I supposed to know that they would like me this much? I don’t.
It really doesn’t matter if you are a male or a female, humans in general have feelings, they have emotions, some choose to show them more than others.
I began realizing that I was the jerk. See, women always complain about how they never find good guys blah blah blah…well I feel like I was the jerk female that ruined those good men. I’ve always dated great guys. Most of them, absolutely gorgeous, 6 pack abs, tall, educated, love sports, etc. but the problem wasn’t them, it was me!
I’m picky, incredibly picky and we could be having the best of times and then a thought pops in my head, or I notice something about them that I didn’t before (like there’s a small wrinkle) and the feelings I just had, instantly go away. I don’t know why, and I still work on this and keep thinking maybe with age it’ll get better.
There came a point where I realized that I shouldn’t be so cold, I shouldn’t keep people out, especially if I’m dating them. It wasn’t because I was worried that they would judge me, it was more so of the fact that I didn’t care enough to let them in.
Harsh, but that’s reality. There came a point where I actually let my guard down, where I stopped myself at the right time, but then talked myself out of it…I said “ya know what, drop the guard, it’s been great so far”, and I did. The ONE time I decided to do this, I ended up getting hurt..by someone that, quite honestly, didn’t meet my standards, nor was he that great of a guy.
I used to have a list…by list I mean what I looked for/wanted:
6′-6’4”, college educated, family oriented, nothing on their record, clean and organized, must be within a specific weight limit, financially stable, great credit, great driving record (because mine is impeccable..but no guy has a perfect record) etc.
I still hold a lot of these things on my list, but for the shallow part, I got rid of…it does come with age.
This individual wasn’t 6′ at all..he was barely 5’7”, he wasn’t a self-made individual, his parents gave him everything. He took his sweet time finishing his undergrad, and even though he said he didn’t care what others thought of him…he definitely did. All of his friends got dumped, so at the time, they told him to be single, they needed someone in the group that could actually talk to females. He also brags about how he has two homes..when in actuality, he stays with his parents in one..and has a tool shed that he says is his “pad”, then another place he has but it’s underneath a business office, because his parents own that too….he doesn’t pay rent, utilities, his own insurance, absolutely nothing except on himself, the difference is that he acts and flaunts like they are his (acted like this in college and even to this day).
Instead of breaking up like I should’ve, he wanted to keep it open…which I stupidly agreed to, even though he got mad at me even if I told him that I was thinking of dating someone else. We were in our early 20’s, so that had a little bit to play….they say that having your heart broken is the worst feeling in the world..what they don’t tell you is that, when you’re in a situation like mine, your heart doesn’t get broken once, it’s like on repeat…an awful awful repeat and you’re the only one that hurts from it.
One day, I erased him from my life entirely…but see, wearing my heart on my sleeve taught me a number of things. To first and foremost, accept myself. Secondly, that it was an experience that allowed me to reinvent myself, to know exactly what I want and what I expect from a REAL relationship. Lastly, to appreciate the good and the bad aspects of it.
Strangely enough, once I completely erased him from my life (which for most people..who go back to the same person over and over again, it’s because they don’t really erase them…they leave an opening for them to come back, which is ultimately what they want), it took a little while, but I became myself again. I got my happiness back, and since then..met some amazing men.
I have always been the one to dump the person, but each and every one of these guys were amazing. They were kind, they listened, they took care of me when I was sick or when I was down. They showed me how to really enjoy life and to really experience it for what it is.
One guy went to the extent as to drive all the way from one city to pick up my favorite breakfast sandwich and coffee, to another city (where I lived), and then to a different city entirely to get to his work, so by the time I left to go to work…I would open my door and see my favorite breakfast sandwich and coffee right there. That meant a lot to me.
It didn’t work out though. I lost interest in him, but I feel like I also taught them quite a bit as well.
Most people always complain about not meeting nice guys/women, or they go for the ones that just want to sleep with them, blah blah blah….I hear it way too often, and most of the time they don’t ever consider that it might be their fault…I mean..who really wants to put the blame on themselves?
Someone who looks good, but yet doesn’t have a stable job..and you expect them to take you out somewhere nice for your first date?
You met this person on Tinder and you wore a see through shirt, and you’re appalled that they just wanted to sleep with you?
People need to ask the right questions to weed out these types of people..and stay away from things like Tinder.
Because of the first person that I wore my heart on my sleeve for, I now always wear my heart on my sleeve…because some day, the right person will come into my life (and I won’t get bored of), and will also wear their heart on their sleeve and this heart of mine which has been mended, but still rough around the edges, will be smoothed out and whole again.
THAT is what I truly believe. I’m 27 now, and I’m not worried about aging or finding someone to take care of me. I want to enjoy life and what it has to offer. I know that eventually I will find the right person..maybe I see them every day and don’t realize it, maybe we’ve been in the same room and don’t know it…. they’re out there, it’s always when you least expect it. So, wear your heart on your sleeve because it’s going to be okay.
Even if you get your heart broken, it’s okay to feel the pain that comes with it, because how do we truly live if we can’t feel?